Bible · encouragement · God's purpose · inspiration · Life · peace · Uncategorized · writing

Finding the quiet of my heart

A 100-day journey to peace and purposeID-100396974

I could say that the last three months have been the most chaotic, heartbreaking of my life, and while it certainly became the catalyst for what I’m about to do, I have to be honest in that I don’t think I have ever been at peace in my life. Moments of joy, yes. Experiences of love and peace, yes. But deep, lasting peace and purpose? The kind that stands strong despite the waves of life crashing down? No.

Life circumstances and leftover hurts from my past have contributed to the stormy seas of my heart and the constant state of anxiety within my being over the years. But there’s something deeper at work here. I can feel it like a cyclone spinning out of control some days, making me so busy I can’t see the faces of my husband and children waiting for my attention. Some days it feels like a weight worthy of Charles Dickens’ Mr. Marley, dragging me down with an all-consuming to-do list and an overwhelming sense of ‘I’ll never be enough’ until I’m numb from the chest up.

I’m sick of it. I don’t want to oscillate between emotional zombie to harried crazy-lady anymore.

I want to be free.

In the sense that I love Jesus and I have embraced the Heavenly Father’s gift of salvation, I am free from my sin. But am I living it? Do I really know what His peace is or where to find it? No. I yearn for it. And to some, for whom this peace-thing comes easily, you’re saying, “Mollie, it’s right in front of you. Just take it.”

But I’m a slow learner. And maybe it’s the heartache I’m going through making me question everything—and wanting to take this chance to slow down and explore something I can’t seem to grasp in the midst of such upheaval in my life. Maybe it’s my natural anxious, slightly perfectionist (you sense the irony there) personality fighting against what God wants for me. Whatever the reason, I want to do something I’ve never done—learn about God’s peace and purpose for my life. I want to come before His throne with a reverent, quiet awe, ready to listen, ready to do things I’ve never done before, ready to learn, ready to give it all up for Him and His peace. My prayer is to meet Him in a way I never have before. I want to experience God in a real way. I’m always the one that hears others talk about how God ‘showed up’ for them, and while I am absolutely grateful for every blessing God has rained down on me and my family, I want to go way beyond a head knowledge of His goodness.

I want it to strike me, right in the heart so there is no way to deny His presence in my life.

I’m looking for radical. I’m looking for a bond, and a closeness with God far beyond my imaginings. I’m looking for a peace that truly transcends all human understanding. And I’m looking for His purpose for my life beyond a shadow of any doubt.

(*Deep, nervous breath.)

Are you ready to come with me? I will honestly record what I learn in 100 days. I’m sure it won’t always be pretty, but it will be the truth.

tranquility2

 

Here are a few things I plan to do in the next 100 days:

  • 100 days of thoughtful, careful study of my Bible. Not the quick, glaze-eyed read, letting the words roll over me like the water beads off the back of a duck. But like a sponge, I want to soak it in, let it fill me up, changing me from the inside out.
  • Talk about God to my children throughout, but letting it occur naturally and looking for the opportunities God brings me, not forcing it.
  • Look each person in my family in the eye everyday.
  • Put down my phone at meal times.
  • Watch 100 sunsets and appreciate that each one is different.
  • Go somewhere peaceful or explore 1 new place each week.
  • Talk to God everyday.
  • Sing 1 worship song everyday. No, I will not be recording this! But God has always spoken to me through music.
  • Spend ‘un-guilty’ time reading or writing fiction each week.
  • Think of 1 thing I’m thankful for or 1 thing of beauty that day.
  • Find ways to reach out in kindness to others.
  • These are more outcomes in attitude– To prayerfully let go of fear, worry over my life and what others think of me, and embrace the freedom God bought for me through the blood of Jesus Christ.

I know to some these may seem like small things. But even ripples can become waves.

There is nothing behind this other than a desire to share a personal journey of what I hope will be life-changing in the best possible way. If you think I’m crazy, I don’t blame you. Though I am grateful to my husband, who, after I told him I planned to do a 100-day focus on God, His peace, and His purpose for my life, said, “I think you are far less crazy than you think.” I would love for other wandering souls to join me.

What would you like to do in 100 days?

Please follow along on my journey! I will be writing about it here and in my newsletter. (Yes, I need to get back to that.) Share any ideas for me, as I may add to my list as I progress, and let me know what you think. A journey with friends is far better than a journey on one’s own.

Blessings to all,

Mollie

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